Tuesday, May 18, 2010

A New Resolve



One of the things people close to my mother said to me during the recent visitation and funeral was that she was a talented artist, but she never felt confident about it - she just never felt anyone else would think that about her.

It's true that she did have a wonderful artistic eye and she was successful at pretty much any kind of art she tried - but I think she was hampered by her own self-confidence. She was self-conscious her whole life about having to quit high school to go to work to help her family, and I think she believed only someone more educated and formally trained would have the right to declare herself an artist.

I’ve been thinking about this for several days now and it occurs to me that I am treating my creative writing the same way. Although I did go to college and worked in some form of commercial writing for many years; I’ve made it a life-long habit to hide away my creative writing and share it with only a few, carefully chosen friends. Although it would mean the world to me to be recognized in the greater world as a creative writer, I have also had to battle with my self-confidence.

My mother would hate that. She was always one of my biggest supporters when it came to my writing (although I seldom shared it with her either). She and my Dad worked so hard to send me to college – the first in my family to do so. Although she found it hard to promote herself, she would have been the first one to tell me to be brave and give it a try – after all, I have very little to lose and so much to gain.

When I gave the information to the funeral director for Mom’s death certificate, I made sure her profession was listed as “artist” instead of “homemaker”, knowing full well that if she were alive it would make her squirm, even though it was the truth. I have a hope that future generations doing genealogy research will look at that certificate and get a more accurate picture of the person she really was. And, by the same token, when I come to the end of my time I hope someone will list me as “writer.”

Now, I will honor my mother by working hard to make it true.

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