Lost?

Sloan

On August 2 we moved our beautiful daughter to North Carolina where she had taken a job as a special education teacher.

It has been two full months now and during that time I have kept myself extremely busy and tried very hard not to think about it too much. But, last night I was driving home from my writing group with a dear friend, Judy, who is kind and spiritual and understanding and I began telling her a few things.

I haven't wanted to talk about it, and I certainly haven't wanted to write about it. It just felt like, if I let down my guard, it would be like opening a vein and the hemorrhaging would begin.

I know that lots of people's children move away and they cope just fine and I should just grow up and stop being so dramatic about it.  But the fact is, I'm not like a lot of other people and,  although I'm not really a dramatic person, I have very deep feelings when it comes to my family.

For one thing, our family doesn't move away. They just don't. Grandparents, parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins - alive or dead - they are all still here in Michigan. Why does it have to be my daughter who decides she must leave?

I have an acquaintance who constantly complains about how her daughters are scattered all over the country and I always think to myself "Good Lord! If you were my mother, I'd move as far away as I could get too!"  Is this my punishment for thinking such unkind thoughts?

Now that my mother has passed away, I am surrounded by males: husband, sons, grandsons, brothers. I have two daughters-in-law, but they are busy with their work and families and they have their own mothers to dote on. I feel like I have no "soft place to fall."

I wanted a daughter so badly when Sloan was born and I delighted in raising her, but always felt it wasn't enough time. I am greedy for more. I was looking forward to relating to her as an adult, and certainly I know that I can do that to some degree even though she's far away. But there will be no casual drop-ins, no last minute lunches, no shopping trips just for fun. And when she has a family, I won't be the grandma the kids want to spend time with.

I know she felt she needed to find her own way in the world, and I was determined that I would not be the one to clip her wings. But, time is on her side and it's not on mine. I'm afraid that I will never again be able to spend any significant amount of time with her, that our visits together will be superficial at best, and time constricted at worst.

My heart hurts and I feel I have lost something irreplaceable. And this is why I haven't been able to write about it. For now I'll put on a tourniquet and think about it later when I'm stronger.
    

Time - the Speed Racer

Coach Max holding Weston at the soccer game

The other day I was babysitting two of my grandsons, Nolan (3 years) and Weston (8 months), who are my #2 son's children, when my oldest son, Caleb,  stopped by with his baby, Huxley (5 months). Max came to get the boys a short time later and I was in the unusual position of sitting there watching my "baby boys" sitting on the floor and playing with their baby boys.

This picture is of Max holding Weston while he coaches Nolan's soccer team. Tom used to do that identical thing with Max himself - hold him while he ran up and down the sidelines coaching Caleb's team. Sometimes when I cuddle one of the babies I find myself thinking that I was doing the same to my own babies only a couple of weeks ago ..... wasn't it?  But, when reality hits I know that, since the kids are 33, 27 and 23, it's been a bit longer than that.

I have reached an age when time has collapsed in on itself and is in a race to speed along much faster than I can stop and pay attention to it. It's really kind of scary and I look for the emergency brake handle to pull so it will slow down - but there is no brake to be had.

 

What, me worry?

Nolan in his green and white "Michigan State" shirt



A

A couple of days ago, I picked up my 3-year-old grandson, Nolan, from day care and took him back to my house for a while until his Dad could come get him.

As we pulled into my driveway he asked me if Aunt Sunny (our daughter Sloan) was there. I had tried to explain to him in the past that Sunny moved to North Carolina a few weeks ago, but he's used to her being away to college and coming home to visit on a fairly regular basis. It's hard for him to understand that she is not going to be around much any more.

I told him that, no Sunny wasn't there, she moved far, far away and we would only get to see her once in a while from now on.

"It makes Grandma very sad," I said.
"I'm not sad," he said, which surprised me. Sunny is definitely one of his favorite people in the world - when she's around, the rest of us are invisible.
"You're not? I thought you really liked hanging out with Sunny."

I came around to his side of the car and began unbuckling his car seat.
"Oh, I love her," he said. "I'm just not going to worry about it."

Such wisdom from the mouth of babes!

Autumnal Equinox

It's officially autumn today and soon the trees around here in Michigan will ease into color.  It's my favorite time of year, one I look forward to, but one that goes too quickly. It's hard to believe that September is almost gone.

Each fall I do a couple things to try to celebrate it, capture it and slow it down.

One thing is, I get out my fall/Halloween quilt projects and work on them at least until the end of October.  They are a couple of projects I have been picking away at for a few years now, and I won't finish them this year either, but it's fun to sew on them while the season is in gear.

The second thing is, I get out my "October Notebook" and I write about autumn things. I like to write up a few simple memoir essays about Halloween from when the kids where small. I also have a character I write short stories about (set only in the fall, with a creepy undercurrent) and each year I write another short story in that series.

And lastly, each year I re-read Ray Bradbury's "Something Wicked This Way Comes." It's absolutely one of the best books set in October ever written - and creepy too.

A Little Piece of my Heart

Last weekend we moved our daughter, Sloan, to North Carolina so she can start her job as a special education teacher.  This is the photo she posted with her boyfriend, Joey, and her car packed to the roof.  Our car was just ahead of her and also packed just as full.

I've been saying all along, that this was the day I was dreading for years - ever since she went away to college and made it abundantly clear that she would not be living in Michigan when she finished. Or if she did, it would have to be somewhere a whole lot cooler than our little town.

Secretly I was hoping she would go off to Michigan State University and fall in love with some fellow Michigander who had every intention of staying in-state. But, no! She had to go fall for some guy who lives in North Carolina, who really had no interest in leaving his state. (It helps a little that he's a really good guy.) So, off she went to NC this spring for job interviews and she got the first one she interviewed with! She needed a roommate, and found one through her Young Life channels - and it was someone who was already down there, so the roommate did all the hard work of finding an apartment.  Everything just seemed to fall easily into place.  Even the mattress store, where we needed to buy her a new bed, was simply across the road from her apartment complex and we didn't have to go driving up and down the highway with a mattress strapped to the top of the car.

I'm a big believer in signs, and maybe because all of this fell so easily into place, it really was meant to be. I'm trying hard to reconcile that with my feelings of losing my daughter to a state that's 14 hours away! And now North Carolina holds a little piece of my heart.

Home from Yosemite

Tom and I are home from our long-awaited trip to Yosemite, Sequoia and Kings Canyon National Parks in California. This is a photo (not mine) of the giant sequoia trees that are part of that area. They are simply impossible to take a photograph of - a person just has to see them in person to get an idea of what they are like.

One of the things that effected me the most on this trip - and something that kind of surprised me too - was the narrow, winding, twisting, HELLISH roads throughout the parks. They just really dominated the day since that was the only way to get to and around the parks.  It was the only thing I've been inspired to write about from that trip so far.

But, I'm sure than once I've been home for a while, unpack, and settle into my regular schedule, I'll think about the things we saw and be able to be a little more creative. This is to be the summer I push and finish the National Park book of essays I've been working on for five years.  It should be a fun project to work on during these "easier" summer days.

My Three (Grand) Sons

Nolan (left) and Weston looking at Huxley
(not sure what Max is doing to his arm in the background.)

With the birth of my latest grandson on May 9 we are set with three little boys in the family.
Nolan John Thomas - 3 years
Weston Max - 4 months
Huxley Don - 14 days

There honestly was a time when I didn't think I would ever have grandchildren. I don't believe in rushing my children to have children of their own.... but I was wondering if I would be too decrepit to even enjoy little ones once it finally happened.

But, now they're here, and they all live nearby. And I can do all the "Grandma" things I like to do - make them quilts, write poetry about them, take lots of pictures, buy too many toys, and add them to my blog whenever possible.

It was always my goal to have my grandchildren love the idea of coming to grandma and grandpa's house. When they walk in the door, I want them to know they are the best thing I've seen all day. I remember that look from my own grandmothers - and I want my boys to feel the same way.

After a long time spent raising my own children, it feels good for that to be the only goal I need to have with this set of kids.